Hey, Venus!
by The Bog Witch
Summary: Minako starts a matchmaking business to raise money for a dance at the youth center. But, juggling the love lives of the romantically challenged turns out to be much more trouble than just shooting off some magic arrows.
1. The Yente

Disclaimer: Sailor Moon is property of Naoko Takeuchi. This is a non-profit endeavor, done just for my own sick amusement.

A/N: Whoo! Actually, I've had this idea kicking around since Valentine 's Day, but I was too lazy to get it down.

Hey, Venus!

_Venus, if you will,_

_Please send a little girl for me to thrill_

_A girl who wants my kisses and my arms,_

_A girl with all the charms_

_Of you _

—_Venus –Frankie Avalon (1959)_

Chapter One: The Yente

"The Love Goddess is in!" Minako flipped the sign on her makeshift desk, grinning at the girl before her.

"Um, well…I don't know about this…" In her lap, her hands twisted. Minako nodded sympathetically.

"Don't worry, Shizuka, I'm an expert! Now tell me what you're looking for." Minako leaned forward. She didn't know why Mrs. Nakahara down at the youth center was so worried. She was fabulous at this! Love was her forte. Her business would bring in plenty of funding for the big dance, not to mention plenty of happy couples to attend the dance itself.

"Looking for?" Shizuka's voice was barely above a whisper. With her thick glasses and poor peripheral vision, looking was not her strong suit. _Never fear, the Love Goddess is present at this time!_ Minako thought.

"In a man, of course!" Shizuka gave her a deer-in-the-headlights stare from under her dark bangs. She fidgeted in the hard chair.

"I…um, that is…" The girl blushed deeply.

Minako opened a drawer, pushed past candy hearts, old manga, staples, and paper clips (you can never have too many paper clips), until she produced a stack of light pink papers. Shuffling them, she smiled at her client. _See Mrs. Nakahara? No trouble at all. That crazy woman and her 'I don't think this is such a good idea's. She doesn't know how good at this I am. I am totally prepared._

"Here, fill one of these out." She handed a sheet to Shizuka. Not everyone, Minako knew, was bold enough to state what they wanted and go after it. That was what she was here for, after all, to help the shy and the romantically challenged go after their dreams!

"T-thanks, I mean I—"

"Now, you just bring that back to me whenever you're ready," said Minako, ushering her out the door. "And…relax. The Goddess of Love will take care of everything!"

Shizuka left, still stammering, and Minako stood in the middle of her 'office', (actually the living room, strewn with pink and red streamers and heart garlands.) This was the best idea she'd had yet!

She, of course, possessed a natural flair for romance. What better way to raise money for than to use her innate talent to help the less fortunate? It would all work out beautifully.

Minako reviewed her files. She kept the girls' papers in a pink box at her left, and the boys' papers in a red box at her right. Organization was the key to a successful business.

As of now, she had four male clients, and three female clients, not counting Shizuka. (Once the girl had gotten her form in, the list would be perfectly even. That, as Minako understood it, was a clear sign that she was meant for this job.)

"Let's see…"

Name: Matsuhita , Ryota

Gender: Male

Age: 16

Likes: Pie, kendo

Dislikes: rudeness and cats

Desirable traits in a significant other: Kindness, intelligence, tranquility, pretty eyes

Name: Ichigo, Junko

Gender: Female

Age: 16

Likes: Cooking, sunshine, swimming

Dislikes: sewing and mushrooms

Desirable traits in a significant other: Honesty, integrity, strength

_Hey, he likes pie…she likes to cook. It's a match!_ Minako gave a definite little nod, scribbled something in her notebook, and called the two of them up immediately.

"Oh, yes, she's lovely. You two will get along so well!"

As she placed the phone back into the pink cradle, Minako sighed in contentment, leaning back in her plush chair. She was perfect at this; it was the best job ever. And so easy!

_Okay, who's next?_ She picked up the pink and red boxes. "Oops!" Her hand slipped and the top paper of each box fell to the ground.

She picked them up. Takenaka, Katashi and Suzuki Ume.

Ha-ha! Now, _these_ two were totally made for each other. Minako could feel it in her very educated bones. _Look how their forms ended up right next to each other on the floor. Just like two newlyweds locked in…heh, yes. _She shook herself. There would be plenty of time for that _after_ the wedding.

She just knew she'd be invited. Perhaps, even, the bride and groom would make a toast in her honor.

"_And all this never would have been possible without Mina-chan!" Ume would say. "Thank you so much!" And the crowd would burst into cheers, applauding her fabulous skill._

"_Minako, Minako! We love you!"_

"_Oh, it's nothing, really!" She'd say, blushing modestly. "I only try to help!" _

"_No, Minako," they'd say, "Without you, we never could have been so happy! Three cheers for Minako!"_

"_Oh please, don't make so much of a fuss over little old me…"_

"No trouble, no trouble!" Minako sighed, waving off imaginary admirers.

"Um…hello?" came a voice.

Minako whirled around, jerked out of her reverie. "Ami?" The girl stood in the doorway, shuffling her feet.

"Yes. I was wondering…"

"Say no more!" Giggling, Minako dipped behind her desk and pulled out a form. "Just fill this out and bring it back to me whenever you're ready. And…relax. The Goddess of Love will take care of everything!" She jerked her thumb towards her chest, emphasizing her excitement.

Ami left, looking slightly dazed. Wow! Ami? Minako could hardly believe it. Well, she'd have to find someone extra-special for her friend. Ami deserved it.

"Yes!" She said to herself, "I will use the forces of love and goodness to bring people together in sweet romantic bliss! Bwahahaha!"

Laughing somewhat more maniacally than was really necessary, given the situation, Minako sat down to work. Piece of cake. (Wedding cake, that is.)

Leave it all to the Goddess.


	2. The First Date

A/N: Okay, so now the plot's really going to start to get going. The first chapter was pretty much a little teaser. (This is the part I was really looking forward to writing.)

Chapter Two: The First Date

_Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match_

_Find me a find, catch me a catch_

_—Fiddler on the roof_

The tables had already been booked. (The Love Goddess really _would_ handle everything, even reservations; it was all right there in the pink and white flyers Minako had handed out.)

From the bushes beneath the bay window of Chez Délicieux, one of the ritziest ultra-bargain-priced restaurants in town (hey, her clients were on a budget), Minako frantically adjusted her new binoculars. Those stupid mint green chiffon curtains blocked her view of the corner of the restaurant. Whoever heard of min green curtains, anyway? She hoped that they'd be seated somewhere in the middle.

Minako was determined to see that nothing went wrong. Nothing. This would be the most perfect, most romantic date that either Katashi or Ume ever had the privilege of meeting their life-long significant other at. It is important to point out that Minako was not naïve. She did _not_ have a head full of 'unrealistic expectations', like that nasty and probably lovelorn Mrs. Nakahara had told her. She knew that dates were tricky things. Indeed, once she had eaten a whole box full, and she had certainly not had a very pleasant night then. But, aside from the dates and the French food served at the restaurant, (which had never agreed with her personally), Minako also knew that the Game of Love was not one to be played lightly. It had its ups and downs, and sometimes, you were sent to jail without collecting your $200 or passing go. Sometimes, somebody sunk your battleship.

That was what she was here for. When the evil battleship of Anti-Affection left the port of Loneliness and headed after the jolly Schooner of Romantic Bliss, she'd be there! When the waves of Discontent began to swallow the Love Boat she'd be there! When the three-pronged anchor of Awkward Conversation, Discord and Morning Breath halted the speedboat of—well, you get the picture. Minako would be there. (Except for the morning breath part. Then she'd be there only in spirit. The Love Goddess greatly values dental hygiene.)

So long as she was supervising, she was sure that she would be able to help avert any major date pitfalls.

"Aha!" Minako muttered into the walkie-talkie. "The love-birds have landed! Get ready! Over and out!"

Of course, she had needed some help. Even the Goddess of Love can't do _everything_ by herself.

"I don't see them, Mina—I mean, Agent Candy-Heart!" came the reply. Minako sighed.

"To the left, Agent Jellybean. By that guy with the ugly mustache."

Static buzzed over the speakers.

"A potted plant's in my way!"

"Try moving to the right."

"I can't! My disguise is caught in the bush."

"Well, don't blow your cover. Just hold still and I'll tell you what's going on."

The world was not very enlightened, these days. Because of this, Minako had deemed it necessary to obtain disguises for herself and her top agent. (The cool nicknames were just another bonus.) Certainly, Luna wouldn't miss the Luna pen. Or, at least, she would understand that they were using it for a good cause. Yes. Of course…

"Okay, they're sitting down at the table… he's pulling out her chair for her!"

On the other end of the walkie-talkie, Agent Jellybean squealed. "How romantic!"

"Oh, wait. No. _He's_ sitting down in the chair he pulled out. She looks a little peeved…but, you know, it could be an honest misunderstanding. Yes. The waiter's handing them their menus."

"Can you see what they're ordering?"

"No, and I can't hear through the window…hold on, she's turning her menu. Yes, I can get a good view of the daily specials!"

"Ooo! What's on it?" Agent Jellybean salivated on the other end of the line.

"Escar-got," Agent Candy-Heart sounded out, "Oh, escargot!" All of a sudden, she felt rather ill as the memory of escargot from times past flashed through her mind. French really _had _never agreed with her…if only her clients hadn't both expressed an interest in it.

"Does that have any carrots in it?"

"Um, no. It's snail."

"People eat that?"

"Yes."

"Is it good?"

"Um…" here, Agent Candy-Heart's stomach did a little flip. "It doesn't agree with me."

"Oh."

Slight pause.

"Mina—I mean, Agent Candy-Heart?"

"Yes?"

"I have to go to the bathroom." Agent Candy-Heart could hear sounds of squirming over the speaker.

"Can't you hold it?"

"Yes—no, maybe. Um. I think so. Probably."

"Alright, good. Oh, the waiter's taking their order now! They're giving him the menus…and, okay, the waiter's gone. They're talking!"

"What are they saying? What are they saying?"

"I don't know, I can't hear anything."

"Oh."

"She's smiling!"

"Aw! She is?"

"He's smiling!"

"Is there, is there—"

"Yep, there's definite laughter! I spied a chortle or two!"

"They're made for each other! You sure are good at this, M—Agent Candy-Heart."

"Thank you for saying so! I only wish we could hear what they're saying."

"I bet it's all really romantic!"

"Yeah."

Pause.

"What's happening now?"

"Hmm…I don't know. I think they're just getting to know each other better. Oh, wait. She's standing up. She's walking over to him!"

A high-pitched squeal sounded from the walkie-talkie.

"What's she doing now? What's _he_ doing? Are they still smiling? I wanna know!"

"Um… hold on… he's smiling, kind of. Her back's toward me now, so I can't really tell."

"Oh."

"She's waving her arms. Oh, now he's standing up too… "

"They sure are having an animated discussion!"

"She's—she's picking up her water glass. All that witty lovers' banter must be making her thirsty."

"Ooh!"

"She's raising the water to her—wait. She's throwing the water in his face! There's a chunk of ice in his hair!" Agent Candy-Heart hyperventilated.

"What?"

"She's storming out!"

"Hey, she just walked past me! She looked really angry. I guess they weren't getting along so well after all."

"No, it can't be! Their papers landed on top of each other! It's a sign…this all must be a big misunderstanding." Agent Candy-Heart ran her fingers through her hair.

"I dunno, Agent Candy-Heart. Throwing water on somebody is a pretty definite _bad _sign."

"Um, well…maybe he was hot? It must be very warm in there."

"What about the storming out in a huff part?"

"She could've…forgotten to feed her dog or turn off the oven or something…yeah."

Static rustling came through the speaker.

Agent Candy-Heart sighed. "Okay, maybe I'd better talk to them."

"Yeah, um, Mina? Mina?"

"I remember, you have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right over to get you out of that bush—"

"That's good but, Mina hurry! Oh no! Ume!"

"What about Ume?" Minako jerked out of the bushes, stray leaves falling off her costume. She jogged to the other side of the building, attracting more than a few confused stares. (It's not every day that one sees a girl dressed entirely in a pants-suit of green plastic leaves running past a French restaurant hollering into a walkie-talkie to someone named 'Agent Jellybean'.)

"Did Ume find you out? Did she say anything about Katashi? Did she—" The walkie-talkie dropped to the ground as Minako reached her destination. Her mouth fell agape.

"Ume, Usagi, oh no! Not again!"

"I think we need a little help…" said Usagi, struggling against her bonds.

The water in the tank got higher and a huge pink thing rolled into view.


	3. Sticky Situation

A/N: Just thought I'd mention that this whole story takes place sometime after episode 154, so all the senshi have their SuperS powers.

Disclaimer: Powerpuff girls not mine. (No this isn't a crossover. …You'll see)

* * *

Chapter Three: Sticky Situation

_Sweeter than candy on a stick_

_Huckleberry, cherry, or lime._

_If you had a choice, he'd be your pick, _

_But Lollipop is mine. _

—_The Chordettes_

"Oh no!" Minako moaned. "Not another one!"

"What kind of ridiculous outfit is that, anyway?" said the pink creature in a Minnie-Mouse-on-helium voice.

Minako felt this was rather much from an entity that seemed to be made out of a partially deflated pink blimp.

"You're one to talk! Let them go!" She shook her fist in the air for emphasis. The Love Goddess was about to rain down a world of sparkly-pink-hearted pain.

"Why should I?" said the pink thing, and popped. Minako was suddenly covered in ropes of sticky pink…well, she hoped it was bubble-gum, anyway.

"Oh gross!" she tried to wipe her face off, but her hands were equally soiled. "Where'd it go?" The pink thing was nowhere in sight.

"Um, Mina?" Usagi called. "Get us out of here?" She and Ume were tied back to back, suspended on a wooden seat over a tank of water. Ume's dream mirror floated in front of her chest.

"Sure thing," Minako said. She ducked behind a conveniently placed telephone booth and transformed. Then, she raced over to rescue Usagi and Ume, wondering a) how the lemure had managed to set up what appeared to be a giant dunk tank in the middle of the street and b) why no one else in Tokyo seemed to have noticed. However, just as she was deciding that perhaps there was something in the water, the lemure-thing popped into existence again.

"Hold on there," it said, "There's only room for two in that thing."

"Let my friends go!" Sailor Venus shouted.

"Okay," it said, wobbling.

"What?" said Venus. She blinked. "Really?"

"No," it said, "I'm just messing with you. You didn't really think that I would though, did you?"

"Well, I guess not," Venus admitted. "I mean, I don't even know why I said that. It just seemed to be worth a shot."

"No, that's cool. It's practically protocol," said the lemure.

"Quit fraternizing with the enemy!" Tiger's-eye shouted, materializing from behind the dunk tank.

"Oh, there you are. You were back there for so long. I was beginning to worry," said the lemure, rolling its bulging purple eyes.

"You're supposed to be attacking her." He cracked his whip impatiently.

"Oh, yeah, right. Well, I can't fit anybody else in that tank. There's a set capacity, you know. Fire Marshall's orders." And with that, it popped again.

"Ew, ew, ew!" squealed Venus. The pink substance squished between her fingers, warm and disturbingly wet. "What is that thing, some kind of giant pimple? This had better be gum!"

"Of course," said Tiger's-eye, far too sweetly, in Sailor Venus's opinion, "It's pre-chewed."

"That is just disgusting!" Venus pawed ineffectually at her skirt. The stuff only seemed to get stickier the more she tried to remove it.

"You're telling me," said the lemure, popping back into existence. "See how you like bursting into a wad of gooey junk every few seconds."

"You're not supposed to be sympathizing with her!"

The lemure stared at him blankly. "What?"

"Just get rid of them!" Tiger's-eye pointed at the dunk tank, exasperated. He sensed that today was one of those days he should've just stayed behind the bar and forced the others to do all the work

"Can do, boss," said the lemure. It bounced onto the ground, ricocheted off a streetlight, and hurled itself towards a small red target just to the left of the dunk tank. Hitting the target with a bang, the lemure once more exploded into oozy pink muck while the wooden seat supporting Usagi and Ume gave out. The two girls struggled in the water.

"Arg!" Venus tried to free herself from the dense mass, but found that the bottoms of her shoes kept sticking to the ground. "Try and keep your mouth closed, Usagi! I'm coming!"

And she was coming, though the going was slow. Tiger's-eye stood off on the sidelines, doubled over with laughter.

Sailor Venus trudged a few more arduous steps, struggling against the pink 'gum', and then stopped in her tracks. "What am I doing?" She slapped her palm to her forehead. "I have magic powers! Duh. Venus Love and Beauty Shock!" She yelled. Beams of light cut through the sticky gunk and sent Tiger's-eye, who for once had no lemure to stand in the way, sprawling.

He clambered to his feet, shaking like a bowling pin just before a strike. His hair stood on end and a distinct smoky scent lingered around his nostrils. Tentatively, he prodded a scorched lock; it crumbled at his touch.

"What did you—how could you—my hair!" He sputtered. His face reddened. Venus choked back a chortle. She was torn. On one hand, the Love Goddess understood that hair damage was serious business. On the other hand, the Love Goddess also understood that her own hair damage, caused by lemure-induced pre-chewed 'bubblegum', was far more serious simply due to the fact that it was her own. Therefore, Sailor Venus broke down and started cackling like a witch who'd just met two fat, juicy children called Hansel and Gretel.

(You could not accuse the Love Goddess of having no sense of humor.)

The lemure chose that moment to return. Its tiny arms flailed as it bounced off the pavement. "Okay, boss, what did I miss?" It squinted, looking Tiger's-eye over. "Hey, did you get a new haircut?"

Tiger's-eye started to raise his whip and then stopped. "Oh, screw it," he said. "I'm leaving." And he did exactly that.

"Boss? Wait! I like it! Really! I mean, all those charred spots match your tights! Come back!" The lemure followed him through the portal, apologizing.

"Well, that was easy," Sailor Venus said. She grinned off into the distance, hands on her hips. "Once again, the day is saved, thanks to… the Love Goddess!"

"Venus!" Usagi yelled, gasping for air. "Quit pretending to be a Powerpuff girl and SAVE US!"

Sailor Venus pouted as she fished Usagi and Ume out of the dunk tank. Was it a crime to fantasize about being Blossom once in a while? They had things in common. For example, leadership skills and a really fashionable red hair bow….

* * *

Tiger's-eye needed a drink. More so than usual. But he couldn't face going into the bar just yet, for fear of what Hawk's-eye and Fisheye would say. Instead, he sat with his head in his hands in some dark, forsaken, alcohol-less place somewhere inside the Dead Moon Circus, sulking.

"It's not so bad, boss," the lemure was saying. "Those bald spots will grow back in no time at all!"

"Why couldn't you just have been blasted by the pumpkins like the other lemures? Then my hair wouldn't be…wouldn't be…." he held back a sniffle, clenching his fist.

"You don't have to be so mean!" The lemure's huge purple eyes watered. "I'm just trying to cheer you up!" It burst into tears _and_ a wad of pink sludge. Again.

Tiger's-eye sighed. Great, now he had a hysterical lemure to deal with and he was covered in ABC gum. It was slightly _salty_ ABC gum, too, from the tears. He blew a clump of hopelessly charred, bubble-gum streaked mess out of his face. The gum dripped down his forehead and its saccharine scent mingled unpleasantly with the smell of burnt hair.

"Okay, okay," said the lemure, coming back. "I'm in control of my emotions now," it brushed away its tears. "I know you're only speaking from grief."

"I don't know what I'm going to do. How can I go back to the others looking like this?" Tiger's-eye said, ignoring the lemure completely.

"I think you'll have to shave it off."

As soon as the lemure's words pierced his thick cloud of self-pity, Tiger's-eye gave it a horrified look.

This was unforgivable.

Sailor Venus would pay.


End file.
